Friday, October 2, 2009
Change is painful but inevitable
Sometimes change happens when you least expect it. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks as the words "I just can't afford to keep you here" came out of my boss's mouth. The job that I struggled so much to decide to take. I feel like I gave up so much to commit to being a part of this new company, that was nothing like what I had ever done before, that had nothing to do with children, that meant me giving away part of my heart to move on from the children I was with, that was a commitment to a friend to fight it out spiritually and physically to help this business succeed, that ended so unexpectedly it took the breath out of me. I figured even if the ship was sinking, I was going to go down fighting until the end. I never expected to be put on a life raft and sent the other direction. Yesterday I felt like Izzy on Grey's Anatomy when she woke up from having her tumor removed and had amnesia. Every few minutes it would run through my head "did that really just happen?", "wait a minute did that really just happen?". Emotions filled my soul as I tried to sort through the questions, the words that I heard, the words I didn't hear, the scenarios, who I was going to tell, how I was going to tell them, what I was going to do next. It was made very clear that this was not rejection and it only makes the most sense at this point if a cut has to be made, but I was deceived in thinking that I was safe. Deceived by my own thinking none the less. Everyone I told I became the one comforting them. "No, really, it's okay, God will take care of us I know." As I think of others who have been out of a job for months even a year because of the economy. But the thing that comforted me the most is that God has perfectly orchestrated this and I know without a doubt that He is in this. No matter what opportunity came my way, I could not walk into my boss's office and say "hey I have a better opportunity so I won't be a part of this company anymore". I had too much invested in the relationship and the business and my commitment to it, to be able to do such a thing, no matter how great the offer. So if God wanted me somewhere else, if He wanted to move me, He had to move me. So I am being moved, as I type. Filtering the thoughts and emotions that are stale from yesterday because they have been run through my head a thousand times. I can't let Satan's lies in though, and boy does he want to tell me that I was wrong, and that I am not good enough, and that I was not good enough, and that this is pure rejection. But I am going to fight it because my God is so much bigger than that, and has SO much more for me if I can still my mind and my heart and let Him move me. How humbling, that He would want to use me somewhere else so bad that he would plan this before I even had a notion. He already has things in the works that may be exactly where I will be moved. I am truly in awe of Him and how much He loves me right now and how He has sent me a raft to take me to higher ground. Praise Him!